this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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