We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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