Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
