I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
