I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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