The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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