He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
