Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
