its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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