I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
