Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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