I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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