she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You ruined the universe
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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