Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
