I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
