i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
