just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is this like a preordered booty call?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
