Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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