Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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