I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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