I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
