smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
