seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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