And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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