onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
