Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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