thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
