For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
