I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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