ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Its about making memories worth repressing
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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