Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
my poor anus
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
