I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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