If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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