I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
