Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
