my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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