I wish I only lived at night.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
