So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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