Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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