You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
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Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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