Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This is the prime rib incident all over again
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
