My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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