me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i think i just lost a toe
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
