apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
