you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
