Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
