i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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