shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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