farters have to be the big spoon...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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