Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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