I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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