i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
