just tell him i said nine months
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
