my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
