I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
