I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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