I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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