Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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