I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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