Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
