No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
